Stigma

Note: these are real quotes from people when I tell them I'm Bipolar.

I still like you anyway.

I never would have known.

Really, but you don’t seem-

These are things that ring in my ears

comforts you offer unthinkingly

as if who I am

what I’m telling you like I tell anyone

is something to be ashamed of-

I still like you anyway

and unspoken,

I like you even though you’re broken,

bipolar

a freak just like the play yard bullies said.

because I’m supposed to hide and deny the light-dark inside me

that rules me day and night

which will it be, hope or despair?

I never would have known

or cared to know,

not really.

All those tears and fits of running, begging to be alone

not normal

no, you did and still

try to fix with words  

what cannot be fixed by anything

but miracles of modern medicine

really? but you don’t seem-

Seem like what, the thing that media says I am

violent, flick a switch to peace

and then in a heartbeat, craving the blade

then sunshine?

you think you know so much, from the word you use

to describe erratic weather

that is not who I am

I am bipolar

hypomanic

a constant struggle that lasts with winners for days 

and then an upset

I’m the flag stolen by the other team

a no kill battle between mania and sorrow

and I don’t know who I want to win

because in the light I crave shadow

get away from blinding bright

and in the night I need

a star,

just one,

light my way

but no

denied that by biology

and by society deny the whole of it

pretend that it’s not pills that keep me 

from imploding and exploding

in a shower of dark fire

I still like you anyway

is what you said when I told you the whys of my life

I never would have known

because you seem so normal

so sane,

not like the killers on late night television

or in bad novels

the change your mood with a remote control 

characters

they aren’t reality.

I am.

see me as I am, the dark light inside me

both the condition and the soul.

really, but you seem

No.

I seem like me

the hyper happy drowning in despair girl I’ve always been

now you know there’s just a name to it

not just too much sugar

or a bad day

I am Bipolar

Hypomanic

keep your pity in your own heart

I don’t need it.

This is not something I am ashamed 

to call a part of me

not something to hide 

I don’t need you to keep me from

 the stigma you see my diagnosis as.

Why should putting a name to my condition

change your heart about me

or my heart

about itself?