Blue and White Sanity
Orange plastic sits on my bedside table,
two bottles of tablets, white and blue
once full, now down to three.
Unless the refill comes,
I have three days left of sanity.
When I first thought maybe
my symptoms were more than just
I feared one thing more than madness.
not being able to take care of it
keep control of it
So I agreed when my friend said,
“Don’t let them put you on happy pills.”
What happiness could come from a pill?
Not worth losing my soul
giving up control
1 year- 13 episodes of long lasting despair
2 years, up to 22.
Not too bad-
one fell swoop,
second semester, 17 credits
hours of rocking, sobbing
wanting everything to just end:
the tears, the stress, my breath.
30 in four weeks.
In a doctor’s office,
a man looked at yellow paper
notes detailing my mental status
and typed into his computer
Because anything was better than this
even giving up to some false joy
so long as it kept heart and humors
blue and white sanity.
One a day,
And I was tied to them
free from the
Acute Stress Reactions
that had ruled my heartstrings
had gripped my mind in manic numbness.
I was flying,
and not falling
Flying but not so fast or high
that I burned, blinded.
Blue and white sanity
did not take my soul
did not take control
handed the reins to me.